We’re so much more automatic than we think we are. Have you ever driven from one place to another and honestly couldn’t remember what happened along the way? Maybe you were listening to a favorite song or you were really upset about what someone just said or did. And, at the same time, the powerful, automatic part of your brain got you safely to your destination.

It’s this same kind of “automatic-ness” that can occasionally bite us when it comes to our relationships, whether work or personal. That is, we really don’t plan to engage in less-productive behaviors, we just do them. This is true especially when stress and anxiety are ramping up. I want to highlight three behaviors that we sometimes engage quickly and easily:

Over-Functioning: We humans love telling other humans what they need to do. In fact, in the business world, I get promoted if I’m especially good at it. Of course, this isn’t bad in-and-of-itself. We need good managers. But am I almost always telling people what to do and how to think? Is it my regular go-to behavior?

What if I were to engage more of a coaching approach with my direct reports? That is, what if I were to ask them more questions so that they could do their own best thinking? It takes more time, but I’m actually teaching them to fish instead of handing them one.

Ineffective Triangle Leadership: According to systems theory, a two-person relationship is pretty stable as long as there’s no real stress. But once stress increases, it’s very common for one or both to rope in a third person. This, then, is a triangle.

Triangles are normal. In fact, they’re probably the norm. Gossip is a great example of this concept. Someone makes me really mad. So, I go talk to another person about the person who I’m mad at. I talk about the person, instead of with the person. Again, it’s normal. It’s human. But it’s not always productive. How, then, do I better lead myself in these triangles?

Emotional Intensity: One of the things that resonates with me about systems theory is the idea of connectivity. I see it in spades all the time. We humans LOVE to connect. Even the most introverted person wants to feel that they’re part of the group. And there are really good reasons to be linked with others.

But this means that how I show up really makes a difference. I am connected to the members of my team and, especially as a leader, my emotional state is very contagious – very! A key question here is: Do you tend to amp-up the systems you’re part of? Or are you more of a calming presence? Often, it’s about both what we say and how we say it (not to mention the powerful, unspoken body languages).

Start by Recognizing Your Tendencies

Truly, the fist step in working through this “automatic-ness” is to start by seeing it. We often talk about observing it for a while, like doing a lab experiment. How do you see yourself in regard to these behaviors? Ask some trusted others how they see you behaving.

I want to close with a clarifying note. I’m not saying that there are never times for these behaviors. They wouldn’t be hardwired into us if they weren’t useful. My main point is can you chose when and how to engage these behaviors in ways that are the most productive? And the answer to this question starts by some honest, careful observation.