“No man is an island,” English poet John Donne famously said. But I think that if we had our choice, many of us would really try to be islands. We might prefer to work mostly alone – doors closed, communicating mostly through email, or, the sometimes-annoying, IM. I’m pretty sure, though, that Donne was right. We are, for better and worse, more connected to the groups we are part of than we might think.

Togetherness and Automatic Reactivity

We refer to this connectivity as “systems thinking.” So, what is this “system” and why is it possibly important? When we humans become part of a group (i.e. family, work, club), we connect. It’s how we’re wired. And lots of good things can come from this connection or “togetherness.”

This system dynamic can also present challenges too. Because we’re so connected, we can find ourselves reacting to each other in ways that are often not too productive. We can get really stuck in a cycle of unintentional automatic behaviors with others. Things like avoidance, conflict, passive-aggressive emails, and gossip start becoming too frequent.

A Systems Way of Tackling This

So, take, for example, a particularly challenging relationship situation. There might be some recommended steps to consider as you work through it:

1. Observe: What’s going on in the bigger system (i.e. team, organization, industry)? What stressors might be amping up things? How are I and others showing up here? What behaviors am I seeing, in myself first then others? What might this person (these people) be up against? Try to get objective about what’s going on. (Seriously, don’t underestimate the incredible value of even just trying to do this step!)
2. Regulate: Where might I be overreacting? (FYI, this “reactivity” could include ignoring and distancing.) Where do I need to make immediate adjustments in my own behaviors to calm things down?
3. Plan: What actions or moves could I take to shift things forward? (For example, do I need to engage with someone I’ve been ignoring? Or, do I need to back off in some way?)
4. Implement: Execute the plan, make the moves, and relate to the person(s). What might make this difficult? What could get in the way of making the moves? How can you remove the obstacles?

I know, easier said than done. But I want to challenge you:

1. Think about a real-life difficult situation with someone you might be struggling with.
2. Take out a piece of paper.
3. Number it 1 – 4, spaced equally down the page.
4. Now, with your scenario in mind, respond to the four items. Write down your thinking.

If you do this, you will have created a brief, but possibly, very helpful plan for moving forward successfully through a powerful system dynamic.

If embraced, even a little, systems thinking can be kind of revolutionary. Why? Because it has the potential to impact the quality of your relationships, both inside and outside of work.

And let’s be honest, you could be the smartest person in the room. But if you can’t develop and maintain successful relationships, then you will probably not achieve the success you’re looking for.