Have you felt anxious lately? Then good news – you’re a normal, living creature! I probably wouldn’t be alive if I didn’t feel anxious at times. So, what actually is it? Anxiousness is defined as a fear, dread, or uneasiness about real or perceived threats.[1] (Yes, we can get anxious about things that haven’t happened yet.)

Why the Bad Rap?

Despite anxiousness being so normal and regularly occurring, it gets a bad rap and for good reason. It’s uncomfortable. And, sometimes, really uncomfortable! So, we naturally want it to go away – fast!

For example, a manager has a challenging employee that made a mistake. The manager knows that she needs to talk to him. But the thought of having the conversation makes her anxious in the moment. She can imagine his angry, reactive responses and doesn’t want to experience it. So, what does she do? In this case she avoids the conversation. And that avoidance (distance) calms her down – at least temporarily.  To some degree, this is the anatomy of classic conflict avoidance.

What if Our Anxiousness is Sending Us Messages?

What if we initially thought about anxiety as a human “Check Engine Light”? Could pending anxiousness be telling us that something is off or going to be off? Maybe it’s a warning that we need to prepare and be more intentional with our responses. If we’re not warned, we could get caught off-guard and react!

And that’s exactly why our brains are wired to get anxious sometimes. They’re warning us that danger mightbe present and that we need to do something about it. The brain’s automatic response might or might not be the best response. So, good news! We humans have a massive pre-frontal cortex. (The PFC where planning and deliberateness reside, so to speak.) We have the machinery to make optimal choices.

Some Suggestions if Anxiousness Shows Up: Leveraging Your PFC[2]

• Start by noticing it. Many of us are off to the reactivity races before we even recognize that we’re anxious. Simply noticing what’s going on with uscan be a huge start in calming down. What thoughts and physical signs are you seeing?

• Normalize anxiousness. Remember that if you feel anxious, you’re being human.

• Get curious about what’s going on. Curiosity is cool. It slows us down. It helps us get more objective. And it’s calming.

• Get the facts and assess them. I just told a client yesterday: Facts are your friends. Consider asking yourself questions like:
  • What’s going on here?
  • What are the facts of the situation?
  • How are others responding?
  • How am I responding?
  • How am I inclined to automatically react right now?
  • Is this reaction the best response?
  • Should I consider other responses?
• Write down your answers to these and other questions.

• Recognize that you have choices. By obtaining data it gives you the opportunity to slow down and thoughtfully consider your options for responding.

• Make a plan. This doesn’t have to be complicated or done in Excel. I like to write down my thinking on a legal notepad. Consider what actions you need to take (or not take) in the situation, even if they might be hard to do (i.e. have the dreaded conversation).

• Consult a trusted advisor. You don’t have to go it alone. Trusted friends, bosses, and mentors can be very helpful sounding boards. They can also be a support in doing something on your list that might be hard for you.

• Engage in some self-care. What activities typically calm you down? It could be a walk in nature, prayer, working out, dinner with good friends, or a great movie. You name yours.

So, consider letting anxiousness be a messenger saying that maybe you need to slow down, observe, make a plan, and then act on it.

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[1] We prefer the use of the word anxiousness to anxiety here, as anxiety could denote a medical condition that might require a doctor’s care.

[2] For the occasional, one-off anxiousness-inducing events, the suggestions above could be helpful. Of course, chronic, more serious anxiety might require a healthcare provider’s care.